A Place for Me

My Thoughts in Order

2011-05-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

First off, since when did people become too cowardly to say things to your face? It was probably when all this technology that you can hide behind came about. Can I not handle your little no? When did I prove to you that I'm not strong enough to take that? I'm thinking about just cutting them off, no more. I'm done, take me as I am or not at all.

If you're reading this, welcome to your gilt trip. Leave now, get off this page. You'll regret it if you don't leave right now.

Second, I miss when we would stay up till like three in the morning and just talk about stuff. Now it seems like you're always itching to do other things. We cant just talk about fun stuff anymore. It has to have a purpose or there's no reason. Even when we hang out it feels like it's just because it's something we have to do, not something you want to do. Which sucks. What happened?

The Background

2011-04-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

I really dig it. Like for real. I don't even like riding bikes all that much, but it's a great and interesting picture.

I have some really interesting stuff on this blog. It's pretty much just me whining about life and all, but it's interesting. And it helps a lot. When i'm distraught I don't think straightly so writing it out really helps me to straighten everything out in my mind. Find out what's really bothering me and what I should do about it and that's really nice.

Other thoughts, you can't just listen to ninja warrior and figure out what's going on because Japanese really doesn't have any sort of change of tone, not on announcers anyways. They have one tone, yelling. so you cant really tell if the guy fell in the water or anything. It's pretty stressful.

You should also always pay close attention when baking cookies. Because you may forget to double the flour and put maple instead of vanilla.

Also, I'm happy to say that I am done with the taks test forever. It's not something I will miss doing, not in the slightest. Makes me feel all grown up.

That's pretty much all I can think of to put in this here post. It had just been a really long time, so I figured I would just ramble for a bit. So I guess that's it. :)

Stress Makes Me Want to Claw Some Eyeballs

2011-02-15T17:11:00.000-08:00

I'm going to fail school. It's simple as that. There's really no way around the fact that I'm going to be pissed off until Thursday. Stress and pissed. It'll be miraculous is I still have a boyfriend come Friday. Or any friends for that matter, because this week makes me want to just yell at somebody. With me there's the stress that makes me want to cry, there's stress that makes me want to lay in bed all day, then there's this stress. Probably the worst of the three the "I'm pissed off don't talk to me or I'll claw out your eyeballs then yell at you for a little while because it's your fault."

Movies I need to rent and watch

2011-02-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

~~Catch Me If You Can~~
~~Cast Away~~
~~Social Network~~
King's Speech
The Hangover
Ferris Beuller's Day Off
~~Shutter Island~~
300
Ugly Truth
~~Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade~~
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
Titanic
Donnie Darko
~~True Grit~~
~~Megamind~~

More to come....

I've got issues.

2011-01-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

I really do. What is wrong with me?

I can't... but I can.

2011-01-07T22:21:00.000-08:00

I can't...
Do math
Read out loud
Write well
Read boring books
Stay around people for too long
Ever be a doctor
-lawyer
-scientist
-government employee
-sports/ movie/ super star
-or any other job that makes the big bucks
Make straight A's
Explain myself
Speak without fumbling over my words
Spell
Find Waldo
Say the Alphabet backwards
Understand other people

but I can...
Draw decently
Build things
Listen
Be entertained easily
Play the piano
Cook
Make a turtle shell out of newspaper and wires
Go out in public in clothes that don't match
Multi-task
Sew
Knit
Think for myself
Speak up (when necessary)
Watch many movies in one day
Sing the Preamble
French braid
Memorize songs
Ice cakes
Wake up in the morning and not have to do anything with my hair
Do my own laundry
Go the rest of my life without any peanut butter

Nothing really

2010-11-21T23:44:00.000-08:00

We've been dry lately. Nothing in depth, I feel like there is something holding us back. I feel no different then anybody else. Surface answers. Am I doing the same? Am I also holding back? Why would I do that? There's no reason for me to do that. I need to work on that now. I never realized that. That's why this blog was a good idea. For no one but me. So that's what I'll do, let loose. And if that doesn't work, then I'll confront it more bluntly. But as for now, we'll just try this.

Mentally, Physically

2010-11-15T20:15:00.000-08:00

Mentally:

Refreshed. I'm feelin' good! I'm pretty happy with life at the moment. I'm not a hundred percent positive why, but hey! Who cares? Thanksgiving is next week, 3 weeks after that is Christmas. I have the absolute best boyfriend in the world. He's so asdjlsdvhlsaebdgkawbelfisdi AWESOME. And! my feet are warm. What could be better?

Physically:

Crappy. My chest hurts, (you know, on the insides) and I'm afraid if I move, my head will start pounding again. Which would SUCK! I keep coughing and such. And I got snot gallor!

Shouldn't your mental and physical state go hand and hand?
but then again if you were having a bad mental day, having a bad physical day would just be terrible.
So never mind, this post is pointless :P

Yeah, cool, whatever.

2010-11-11T21:10:00.000-08:00

Right, mhmm, super. Ugh. Thanks for telling me before I heard it through the grapevine I guess. It's not my fault you know. I'm not the one too busy for anything. I have and still would blow things off if I thought that you wouldn't just blow me off first. So yeah, cool, whatever.

Just frustrated.

2010-10-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I'm frustrated. I just am. I just want to yell at somebody. But I can't do that. I'll have to take out my frustration elsewhere. hag/.ohmiazoualhnl;bgvair7t7wqop439uth;wero zadlfvhlszikjdfnb,sgzkjuhyfr.lgvsjzhdfbsjery45tskdjfgbv,szku7ryhglt7sw4swjugs yeah.

The summer that I turned 16, I had my Independence day.

2010-10-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

INDEPENDENCE DAYYY, FOR A PETTY THIEF!!!!

Yeahh... anyways. Sorry 'bout that. Umm I didn't really have a point to make with this blog. I'm really a terrible blogger, I'm glad that no one reads this XD. Let's talk about the tabs I have open on my internet! Let's see, first one is Facebook. Of course. BTW the word "Facebook" does not have a red squiggly line under it, which is crazy I think. It's been adopted into the English language as a noun of some sort. I also use it as a verb sometimes also. But anyways. My next tab! Youtube (does have a squiggly line) has that house of heroes song open (the one that the title and first line of this blog refer to.) before that it was a song that is funny, "And love is the being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles and even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape but now you dont want the rate of rape to decline at all because if the rate of rape declines you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales. Without rape, who's gonna bye your whistle?" Funny song, two of the girls in guard use to sing it all the time, and I never listened to it. Now I did. It's funny. ( I pressed a button on here, and it changed the format. I'm a really bad blogger.) Next tab, is this one. Next tab, Is SparkNotes on the Scarlet Letter. No, I'm not cheating, I'm using it to make sure I caught everything in the chapter. It's hard for me to read old English sometimes. I think it's pretty and all, it's just kind of hard to understand. I actually do like it though, some people hate it and I feel bad for them, because they're missing out on the big picture! It's good so far. Next tab, The Art Institute Culinary Program. I don't know where else I could go to school that would better prepare me for my coffee/ bakery then there. I mean, you get classes on not only food, like at other places, but business classes, and even a drink class! Which is awesome. I'm still going to look into other places. The problem is, I don't know what colleges have the classes I want. And i don't know how to figure it out. Which is a problem. But the AI scares me because they don't have on campus housing, so I would have to like, pay bills. Which kind of freaks me out. I don't know how to do that mess. I can't even get a job. But yeah. I guess I'll be done talking now. This was fun. =]

My real finest hour

2010-10-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

I need you
More than ever
Well I don't understand it
I don't think I'll ever comprehend it
It's so hard to conceive it
So I guess I'll just believe it
This will be my finest hour
This will be my finest hour

Yeah, I didn't read the end of the song yesterday. I have now. I'm tired of feeling helpless, like I can't do anything to control my own life. But the thing is, I'm never going to be in control of my life, God is on control of my life. Whether I want him to be or not. And the sooner I learn to grasp that, the sooner I'm going to grow more in my faith. Real growth, not just temporary growth. The not stuff that's there on good days and just leaves on bad days. The growth that's there everyday. So even on hard days I can remember to grow from it, to have it become my finest hour.

And this will be my finest hour.

2010-10-15T22:40:00.001-07:00

Man, that's a great song.

The king of contradictions
Strikes again
You said the last to cross the finish line
Will win
And the beggars will be millionaires someday
And the humble ones are gonna have their say
Well all my friends are gone now
And all my money's gone now
And all my pride is gone now
And if what you say is true now
This will be my finest hour

I dont really have too much to say about it. Other then just yeah.
I've been feeling kinda cut off from God lately, I haven't had any sort of desire to dig deeper. Every time i try to, I feel like i'm coming up empty. I never learn anything relevant to myself. Yeah, I dont know. I feel really small. That's all. I'm gonna keep trying, I haven't given up yet. Not yet. There is more.

Fields of Faith

2010-10-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

PSAT was today. It was boring, as usual. Then the math partayy! The stupid other people didn't want to watch Clash of the Titans. Duumb. Then we went to a park. Then to Dylan's house. Then to Fields of Faith! That was pretty cool. Anytime you have that many believers in one place it's always going to be cool. God is a truly awesome guy. Now I should be doing APUSH homework... I guess I'll do it. Stupid.

STATE FAIR!

2010-10-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

I went today. For a birthday/ good job on grades, kinda thing. It was fun, it was me, my mom, my brother, my Dylan, my Jessica, and my Emily. It was a blast. I got to sit in my dream car. Two door Jeep wrangler. Ohh baby that was nice. I also got a corny dog (the best ones of course), fried oreo ( it was soo good!) and i also had a bit of fried poptart (which was also good.) Bottom line, I love the state fair. Although some of the scents are not so great, and it's not cheep. I really do like it. It's great fun.

Now for the first LEGIT something.

2010-10-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

This is slightly morbid. But that's okay. Here's what I've determined. You're always going to have problems, and you're always going to thing there's a solution for those problems. The solution you're thinking of, usually, you have to wait a while in the future to reach the solution. But the thing is, and the thing I've come to realize is that your so called "solution" has problems of it's own. Completely different problems, bigger problems in fact. The older you get the bigger the problems get. Until you're old enough to understand and want the big solution, the only real solution. And that would be to die. Now before you get me wrong, I'm not saying that i want to die or anything, in fact I cannot wait until I'm older and go to college and start my own business and all that jazz. I'm just saying. It's a true fact.
And I've also realized that no one around my age really understands that. Even people that do kill themselves, because they think they understand that. They don't. If they understood that whole point, they would also be wise enough to understand that that is not the way to solve your problems.
Yeah, but that's enough about that. I'm getting off my point. My point is. That right now, in my life i thought I had found a solution. And it is a solution, a big one in fact, but one I have to wait for. I would have to wait a very long time. And although my solution seems heavenly in many ways. I know that that solution will come with many other problems. Different problems. Problems I wont be prepared for. Problems I wont even see coming.
But am I going to let all these new problems turn me off to my solution? No, I don't think so. I like the good parts of my solution. It out weighs the bad for me. I just want to be prepared for the unforeseen. Expect the unexpected, I guess you could say.
Now does this mean I should let my current problem lay? Let it build up until the time when the solution can be executed? Also, no. I need to stop being a retard, get off my butt, and attack it. Actually attack it. I want to attack it. I just don't know how. The one solution is all I see at the moment. I've been praying for a shorter term solution. One that I don't just have to sit around and wait for. And strength to help me in waiting for my long term. I don't like sitting around and waiting. I don't like it at all. Self control, that's what I need. I've got to keep remembering that. Praying for it. That's all.

These are my thoughts. Uncensored.

2010-10-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

Uncensored. Yeah. That probably just means that I'm just writing for the heck of it. Not that it's bad or anything. It's just sometimes I just want to say things, and i know i shouldn't really say them out loud. So that is what this is going to be for. So no one will know about this. Not for a while anyway... There's also stuff that I may just want to remember in the future. I don't know. We'll just have to see where this leads to.